free ride

my feet hurt all the way up to my ass. man am i out of shape! good thing i didn't accept the truck unload er job, i would probable be in traction by now. but it's not all bad. i enjoy talking to the random strangers, i try to make them laugh or at the least smile. some people are more challenging than others. it helps to pass the time and it keeps me from being a complete hermit.

i still suck with my phone.
i hate when the phone rings in my car.
lets face it, i'm not the best driver in the world. lately i feel as if i have a 'slight' case of adult a.d.d. , i get distracted , have difficultly staying focused, so talking on the cell phone while driving is not a good thing for me. plus my super espn2 powers tell me that every car on the road is participating in a destruction derby and i have a giant bulls-eye painted on my bumper.

my fear and phobia of driving on the interstate, highway, freeway......

inside a moving automobile is sometimes uncomfortable for me. it is an odd and some what embarrassing phobia. tis difficult to describe or explain verbally. what happens inside my head, what goes through my mind, what keeps me from the access roads and entrance ramp....

fear, anxiety, panic.
the memories flood my mind.
i remember....
countless trips to nowhere with my father. we traveled every freeway together. he made up any excuse, spoke every unbelievable reason, detailing where he had to go, why i had to go with him.

most times he was drunk. if he didn't have a beer he stopped to buy some for the road. the bed of the old truck was littered with empty cans, an open can in the drink holder. back when, the police pulled us over, always let us go.

i learned early how to navigate the big city. when i was young, it was dangerous being trapped in the truck with him. sometimes my father would drive aimlessly for hours, other times he would park. if i knew where i was he couldn't bullshit me about how long it would take to get back home. everything was a negotiation. everything was a trade off. there was no such thing as a free ride home.

and now?
i don't drive down those roads anymore.
i already paid the toll.

my mind has been littered with trash for days.
i need to recycle my thoughts,
dump the garbage.

i haven't spoken to my oldest sister in a few years. she moved to canada to marry my mother's brother. when we do speak again, i'm uncertain what i should call her? aunt sister? sister aunt? fucking bitch!

they look like brother and sister, uncle and niece, husband and wife....
why did she have to marry my uncle? she could have married anyone of any race, creed or sex.
what made her fall madly in love with a blood relative?

is this just another one of those little things that i'm suppose to forgive and forget? one of those events that if i don't grant forgiveness for, if i don't 'give it to god', than i will not be granted access into the kingdom of heaven and will burn for all eternity in the pit of hell?

fuck that and fuck all the retarded perverts in my family!

we were suppose to be the generation of children that broke the chain of abuse. we were suppose to grow up and grow old and not continue the horrid family traditions.

a better life, a brighter world...

we almost made it. we did grow up, we did grow older...

why am i clouded with this now? my niece is coming for a month long visit with the son. it would impossible to avoid the subject of her mother for that entire time, especially with my mother being ill. things are going to come up.

i don't want to hear about how blissfully happy my sister aunt is being married to my uncle brother-in-law.

so since my sister is my aunt, my uncle is my brother-inlaw, what does that make my niece? is she my niece cousin? what about her relationship to her mother? is my sister aunt now her mother great aunt? is my uncle brother-inlaw now her great uncle stepdad?

maybe my niece cousin would like to give her mother great aunt and her great uncle stepdad a family tree for christmas.

lucky

it's late,
minutes away from another days passing.
tally up another,
hope it was meaningful, hope i made this one count for something.
parts of it were rather dull, boring as hell really,
but still.....


my neighbor apologized to me about my rock this morning, which was nice. my husband made a movie of my two nieces for my sister as a christmas present, and i spent the entire day sitting on my horrible uncomfortable desk chair filling out online job applications for my mom-in-law. my daughter hugged me, my son called home with good news, i made my sister laugh on the phone after a 14 hour work day, i fed my cat and my dog, and if i hurry i still may get lucky before my husband falls to sleep...

sweet dreams

double click

if i take the adult content warning off my blog will i still be able to type the word fuck?
it's a valid question. it's my favorite word. it's so versatile. but isn't the warning annoying? wtf? yes, of course it's annoying! i am annoyed with it and it's my freaking blog. it's just one more double click action...
is there a help page?
if all else fails read the directions,
some assembly may be required,

i think this is what happened to me and myspace.
i spent hours and hours sending random superpets hugs out into internet space. new apps, new wallpaper, new songs, new pictures, new dancing cursors. there is just no end to the quest of the perfect space. it's a constant work in progress. the webpage jigsaw puzzle project that is impossible to complete. i became lost, trapped inside this alternate webworld of beautiful flashing bulletins and sparkling fonts of apps and apps-holes.

hello my name is nic, i'm a myspace addicted.

concrete karma

i live in a concrete jungle. all the rolling hills i see are man made concrete overpasses running along miles and miles of chemical plants. the refinery lights are so bright, it's never dark in my city. the smoke stack flames reflect an orange glow across the clouds as they blanket the sky, hiding almost all the night stars from view. If you care to take a drive and cross the concrete bridges, you would think it was christmas, no matter the time of year, there are miles and miles of lights, as far as the eyes can see. concrete streets, concrete parking lots, concrete buildings,
all the concrete walls start to close in on you from time to time.
i live here because this is where my family lives. i live here because this is where my husband's family lives. my ugly city is beautiful because the people make it home.

My husband and i try to get away as often as we can. i love nature and the great outdoors. i enjoy collecting seashells when we journey to a beach, collecting sticks or a twig when we hike through the woods, and collecting rocks when exploring a canyon road.

my son is attending texas tech college, it was only natural for us to take a little side trip to a nearby state park. while hiking city style (that's driving really, really slow with the windows rolled down) we came across a rather spectacular rock. a beautiful white and pink-ish shade about this size of a bowling ball. Lucy and Desi, together again! my husbands eyes all but bugged out of his head when i told him i wanted that rock. but he stopped the car and popped the trunk for me. it was perfect. i had a vision when i saw the pink bowling ball rock: it belonged in Granny's flower garden.

once home, i washed my rock. silly boys! every girl knows rocks are dirty and need to be cleaned before you put them into a flower garden! i sprayed my new treasure with the water hose and left it out to dry in the sun, hoping it would still sparkle and shine in the concrete city just like it did out in the wild canyon.

well, today when i came home from work, my rock was gone. i asked my husband if he moved my rock. no. he didn't move it. i asked my daughter if she moved my rock. no, she didn't move my rock. the neighbor kids were out running around so we asked them about it.

yeah, they took my rock.
their dad was replacing their back fence that was destroyed by hurricane ike. he needed some rocks to mix with the concrete for his new fence posts.
my new neighbors smashed my rock, mixed it with concrete and set his back fence posts.
it was just a rock, he didn't think it was important.

i couldn't believe it. what? what? you did what with my pretty pink and white bowling ball sized rock that we drove 12 hours one way to......ohh... find?
is this karma?

my stolen property got stolen!

ten seconds ago

i made a big decision ten seconds ago. thought i would document it, get it down on web paper, and hopeful it will stick. my decision was that i am going to write on this blog everyday. even if it's only one sentence, which is what?, three words. i can do that. i will do that. it doesn't have to be spectacular.

all my adoring fans will be happy with anything.

i know, i know what your thinking. it was the 'all my adoring fans part' that got you wondering, is this bitch crazy or what? believe me you're not alone there, i have thought the same thing many a late nights just to wake up the next morn realizing that it was only temporary.

i wake sane to face another day.

i should have called my son today. i need to be more careful with him. i am trying to give him space, plenty of room to grow, after all, he is the bird that left the nest. but now i worry i've given him too much space...

i can't believe i got a job. i don't know what my remote control will do without me all day long. oh well, my new cable box sucks anyways. i still don't have all my programs set correctly for recording. plus the picture keeps breaking up into little squares and freezes for several seconds at the most dramatic time in the show, than it blips back to life, skipping ahead, and i miss again.

am i inside a cable box?
freezing up,
breaking apart,
blipping back to life
wondering what the hell i missed.
it's not true, of course not,
this is just one of those crazy random thought that you have in the wee hours of the morn. you can't miss what you never had. the life i never had will never be missed. or so i use to believe, now i'm not so sure anymore.

i have trust issues. i just need to start trusting myself.
my children love me,
my husband loves,
my sisters love me,
my mom's love me,
my family and my friends love me.

god blessed me, and because of them all, tomorrow i will wake sane.