Sunday, January 24, 2010

whatever bi-ouch.... you're still my aunt

been a long time people, much has happened since i last posted a blog.
ordinarily when i'm in this social hibernation phase, i'm writing. this time i haven't written a thing until now.
what's different?
i don't know.
i still don't feel ready to connect with all my friends and family but i have been living in a cave for so long now i know they are beginning to wonder and worry about me. i'm going to have to do something, i just don't know how soon it will be. i checked my email account tonight for the first time in months, i had/have 157 unread emails. i plugged my phone in to charge when i woke up so i could call my son in Lubbock but once the battery dies again i doubt i'll make any phone calls.
i talk to my husband and my daughter on a daily basis but the only reason i do is because they live with me. i've even been ignoring my dog.
perhaps it's not a social hibernation i'm in ,
perhaps it's just an emotional one,
maybe that's the difference this time.
or maybe the difference is i'm finally able to recognise and distinguish between the two.

recently i engaged in a causal conversation with a female co-worker about books, who we read, what we liked, etc. She told me i was the first person she has ever spoken to that reads JD Robb. we talked for a while about the series of books and in the middle of our conversation a thought popped into my head: " are my scars showing? "
oddly enough when it floated through my mind, we both stopped talking and just stared at each other. it was there hanging in the air but neither wanted to pop that bubble. another place, another time, i would have revealed more but it would have made working together either uncomfortable or too personal. over sharing at work usually is not a good thing.
i'm keeping a safe distance, being casual and light, smile and wave at all the cameras in the sky.
as my grandma use to say "you can look but don't touch"

my sister/aunt popped in and out of the family's consciousness this christmas season. true to her usually form. i keep hoping she will grow and change with age but unfortunately it's not happening. she left us all, moved away over 20 years ago. which is fine, is quite common in some families, my mother, in fact, did the same thing to her family when she was young.

when my sister/aunt and her husband of 20+ years divorced we hoped she would return to Texas but instead she went the other way. She moved to Canada and married my mother's younger brother. it was a shock and an emotional blow especial since she delivered the news on a mother's day weekend but like always, i survived my family.

my sister/aunt has been married to my uncle/brother-in-law for some time now. i should be okay with this. i should have gotten over it and gotten on with my life by now. do the christian thing: forgive and forget?

for christmas this year she mailed me and one of my other two sisters a certified letter detailing all the reasons why she didn't want to be our sister any longer, she stated that basically she was finishing what i started by not accepting her new husband. because we betrayed her by inviting her ex husband/the father of our niece and nephew to share christmas with us all.

all my sisters are divorced, most of my friends are divorced. divorce unfortunately is part of the new modern american household. we learn, we grow, we change, we adapt, we move on. but regardless to whether the parents remain together, we are still linked by the children. the million dollar question is how uncomfortable and miserable do you want the children in your family to be?
was i angry with my ex-brother in laws when they divorced my sisters?
yes, i was, very much so. At the time of each divorce i could have happily clipped off their private parts with common garden tools. thankfully i resisted that impulse.
now even thought i am no longer close with the ex-brother-in-law's, i am comfortable enough to give them a hug and a friendly hello. but more importantly the children/young adults are not overly uncomfortable and can discuss their relationship with their father when ever they need to.

so to my sister/aunt certified letter announcing the disbandment of our sisterhood, i say:
"whatever're still my aunt"
you know, i've been working nights, i missed the postman. i never signed for my copy of her letter. return to sender! my other sister that she disowned was upset enough for the both of us. i refuse to worry myself sick over head games. she is trying to play us against each other just like when we were kids. she has been gone so long, sometimes i think she still see us all as children instead of adults.

my sister/aunt is still repeating behavior patterns that we were raised in. my parents did not raise their children to be friendly and loving towards one another. they raised us in an extremely hostile environment, to not trust, to compete for their beloved parental affection and to be jealous of each other. they used very effective key words and phrases over years to achieve their parental goals and for the most part, it worked.

i use to believe that my father was a master manipulator. that he could literally talk anyone into doing anything. but in truth, he was a weak and pitiful man. the only reason why he effected us so tremendously was because we were too young to defend our mental/emotional/and physical self against him. if we had not been born into his household he never would have been able to dismantle our self esteem, our self confidence, or our self worth and lather our base with shame.

we were strong enough to survive but are we strong enough to repair the damage?

i'd hoped that by now, after over 40 plus years of this behavior patterns, we would some how be able to snap out of it. be our own woman and not fall into the roles our parents designated for us to be. unfortunately instead of growing together we are crumbling further apart.

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