Tuesday, May 5, 2009

"so how's that been working out for ya?"

I am a people pleaser.

I always try to please all the people that I find myself surrounded by at any giving minute in time which is not only an impossible task but a very damning one. I will never be able to make every person that travels in and out of my life happy.
In the end, I know I’m doomed to be a failure. Because not only is it impossible for me to ‘make’ people happy but also it is equally impossible for me to keep them in this constant state of bliss 24/7.
Realistically I know this is impossible, but still I try.

I should have been born with a magic wand so I can bounce around from place to place granting miserable people happy minutes. Yeah, just like on TV, don’t waste your happy minutes dear…

Fuck me, fuck you, and fuck your damn bitch too!
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why can’t I do anything for myself without feeling guilty or selfish or greedy or wrong?

I never answer my phone, I treat my family and friends like shit, ignore them all for months at a time, than become annoyed with them for actually having the nerve to miss me. I’ve spent my entire life trying desperately to not need anyone.

“So, how’s that been working out for ya?”
Well, let me think….
(Jeopardy theme music is playing in the background)
Realistically I know this is impossible, but still I try.

Why is it so important that people are happy around you?
Happy people rarely throw things,
like hammers at your grandmother
dishes at your mother
food at your siblings
rocks at your dog
Happy people rarely
Beat your mother till she can’t get up from the floor
Beat your sisters till their bloody noses swells and her teeth chip
Beat all your dogs till they “run away”
Beat everyone in your house; except for you.
Happy people don’t scream
In your face with horrid beer breathe
At the police when they pull you over for drunk driving.
Break, damage or destroy every material possession that is important to you, just to prove that the shit really isn’t yours

Winks from a monster, Angry jealous glares, battered and bloody faces, these are the people you love.

Right now, I’m working on making myself happy. I recently enrolled in the “Fuck you! I’m a self bitch school”
Realistically I know it’s impossible, but still I try.

And yes, I did spend some time with my mother yesterday,
Does it show?

1 comment:

Cas said...

Glad you're writing again, kiddo. It always inspires me.

And I'm not just a spokesperson for the School of Selfish Bitchery...I'm also the President.