her dime, my time

I’m in the middle of a writing project, decided I wasn’t going to give up on it and I’m not. I have postponed and put off for years. If I stop now I will never do the actual work to make the dream happen. This is my goal I set for myself; write every day, even if it is only one line added, or one word edited. I will finish all my stories. So by day I work on my W-2 form and by night and any other time I write. The only person that can make all my dreams come true is me. if I want my life to change I am the only person that can change it. I have to stop listening and wondering and worrying about the thoughts and opinions of others. I have to follow my own light, my own instinct, my own path. I will do this for me. I will do this for the little girl that I use to be, that dreamed about what her life would be like when she grew up. She fought for my life. I will not take a free ride and just float the rest of the way home on her dime.

My training continues.

my pissology 101 class began today.
i was promoted at work and am now official a CSM or customer service manager.
my job description?

i still don't have a clear picture in my head, just like when i started as a lowly cashier, every person involved in your training tells you a different way of doing something.
which of course i hate. just tell me the fuck what i'm suppose to do and i will do it, but don't tell me one way this day and another way on tuesday.

fuck me. i was exhausted by the end of my shift but it was the most unusual and interesting day i have had thus far.

today i stood in an extremely small room, maybe 5' by 5' and listened to six angry women try to sort out their issues of blah blah changes and blah blah quotas not being met. was this a department meeting or a bitch session?
i could see both sides clearly, i know what needs to be done, i'm the peacemaker, it's my job to make happy people where ever i go.

they told me we were equals. we shall soon see.

"so how's that been working out for ya?"

I am a people pleaser.

I always try to please all the people that I find myself surrounded by at any giving minute in time which is not only an impossible task but a very damning one. I will never be able to make every person that travels in and out of my life happy.
In the end, I know I’m doomed to be a failure. Because not only is it impossible for me to ‘make’ people happy but also it is equally impossible for me to keep them in this constant state of bliss 24/7.
Realistically I know this is impossible, but still I try.

I should have been born with a magic wand so I can bounce around from place to place granting miserable people happy minutes. Yeah, just like on TV, don’t waste your happy minutes dear…

Fuck me, fuck you, and fuck your damn bitch too!
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why can’t I do anything for myself without feeling guilty or selfish or greedy or wrong?

I never answer my phone, I treat my family and friends like shit, ignore them all for months at a time, than become annoyed with them for actually having the nerve to miss me. I’ve spent my entire life trying desperately to not need anyone.

“So, how’s that been working out for ya?”
Well, let me think….
(Jeopardy theme music is playing in the background)
Realistically I know this is impossible, but still I try.

Why is it so important that people are happy around you?
Happy people rarely throw things,
like hammers at your grandmother
dishes at your mother
food at your siblings
rocks at your dog
Happy people rarely
Beat your mother till she can’t get up from the floor
Beat your sisters till their bloody noses swells and her teeth chip
Beat all your dogs till they “run away”
Beat everyone in your house; except for you.
Happy people don’t scream
In your face with horrid beer breathe
At the police when they pull you over for drunk driving.
Break, damage or destroy every material possession that is important to you, just to prove that the shit really isn’t yours

Winks from a monster, Angry jealous glares, battered and bloody faces, these are the people you love.


Right now, I’m working on making myself happy. I recently enrolled in the “Fuck you! I’m a self bitch school”
Realistically I know it’s impossible, but still I try.

And yes, I did spend some time with my mother yesterday,
Does it show?