Sunday, January 4, 2009

life is just a blur most days. some how i let myself get lost in the minute details and can't focus on the big picture. and even though i realize this i still, day after day, year after year, continue to repeat the journey. perhaps i still hope for miracles, that things will change in my life, that i will be more than what and who i am today.

have i lived to my full potential? have i given enough to the world? have i made it a better place for myself and my family to live in?

my new years resolutions was never to make another new years resolutions again. i'm not going to lose weight. i'm not going to diet. that would require eating less and exercising more. i like food. i'm flabby. fuck it.

change must be welcomed and embraced, not rejected and shunned. i'm climbing to a new plato in my life. for the first time, i can't see ahead, i don't have a purpose or a clue where i will end up or whom i will be meeting once i arrive. does that make sense? that since i was a small child i plotted my life course to a certain point, all my energy, time, focus was set upon surviving, overcoming my childhood abuse and not allowing it to negatively effect my future children. but i never dreamed of what would happen beyond that. what would happen once they were adults and living their own lives.

at first i was overcome with fear and i had a horrible sense of displacement. a fish out of water, what do i do now? i don't have a career, i have no technical skills other than toilet washing and g baking cookies, so what is there for me to do? i have to have a reason, i have to have a purpose for existing, i have to have a spiritual, mental, and/or emotional goal i am striving for.
when i was a child i prayed for strength, wisdom and understand. what child asks god for world peace and a sex change? now i think the peoples of this world will never stop fighting each other, i'm finally comfortable in my own flabby skin.

i'm happy with my choices i've made thus far. i am exactly the person i was born to become. my potential, like everyone, is only limited when i make it so. i decided to no longer be displaced and lost without set goals and guidelines, i decided to change direction by having no direction at all. i decide to stop trying to fix my inner child and just set her free.

today is my friends birthday. blessings to her, today, tomorrow, and always.
touch my soul, nic

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