Sunday, January 18, 2009

whack a few balls

i feel myself falling into my old hermit mode again, pulling away from all those nearest and dearest to me and trying to disconnect from everyone and everything. i did this the last time i got a job, my focus turned to the random strangers floating in and out of my life. is it bad to give so much to people that in a years from now will no longer be in my life? why are there so many miserable people in the world? why do i feel so compelled to try and make their life more enjoyable.

i should walk away. i should leave now but it's too late. they already like me and we all know how painfully dangerous that can be.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

nothing, i'm not going to fix myself anymore.
i'm just going to be who i am.

it's okay if i sit in mcdonalds for fifteen minutes and listen to a woman's life story while i drink a small coke. it's okay if a local pastor always gives me a brand 'new' pen that doesn't write. it okay if i allow myself to become entertained and mildly attached to all these nameless people.

maybe i'm not in a hermit mode, maybe i am just giving my time and energy away to strangers instead of sharing it with my friends and family. is it possible to go to work and just work? is it possible to not make emotional connections? i think if i stand stone faced and try not to talk while i work than i will end up just as sad and miserable as everyone else in the store.

that is not who i am. that is not who i want to be. i want to be happy and jolly and i want to enjoy the second half of my life at least twice as much as the first half.

i refuse to live (and die) like my parents: angry, miserable and unfinished.
i'm going to shoot targets at the range. i'm going to buy some golf clubs and whack a few balls. i'm going to learn how to dance. and i'm going to talk to all those strangers at work and give them all my very best.

what prompted all this? i had an angry customer screaming in my face a few nights ago. i don't react or respond well to anger. i never have. i guess the first thing i thought about when it happened was why am i here listening to this bitchy bitch? at first i didn't say anything to her at all. i just stood there and listened to her ranting. which made her even more angry. than i did the old "the customer is always right" route. which made her even more furious and made me think about quiting my job.

one angry bitch. am i really that weak inside?

1 comment:

Cas said...

I would love to comment on all this, but I am also in my hermit mode. I haven't even picked up my computer for a week.

The truth is, all we have is the moment we're living in. Enjoying that moment is okay. The rest will take care of itself.